‘Aye, That Will Be Right!’ (Book Series 5)

Stopping Smoking Suddenly            

I received a telephone call from big Donnie Henderson, my former colleague and resident ‘nutter’.

    ‘Harry boy! Just thought I would give you a quick call to let you know that our old ex-shift Inspector Kevin Murphy died yesterday. It was quite sudden’.

    ‘What did he die of, a heart attack?’ I asked him.

    ‘Naw! It was smoking!’ He replied. ‘I was with him at the end when it happened’.

    ‘Was it cancer?’ I asked in a concerned voice.

    ‘Not at all!’ He responded. ‘We were sitting in the pub together having a wee dram or two, and having a right good blether, when Kevin decided to go outside for a cigarette.  

    Unfortunately, he slipped on the newly tiled smoking area floor and walloped his head off the ground…. Killed him stone dead!’

    ‘So it wasn’t really smoking he died from then, was it?’

    ‘I suppose not. Anyways, I was fortunate enough to summon the services of the local Jewish rabbi to attend and say a few words over him’. Donnie said, quite matter of fact.

    ‘A rabbi? But Kevin is a Catholic, so surely you mean a priest?’

    Too which Donnie responded very indignantly, ‘Are ye bloody joking? There’s no way I was going to bother a Priest at that time on a Sunday night!’

  Midlife Crisis

  My former colleague met with me for a drink one day and told me he was recently talking with his wife and said, ‘Honey, twenty-five years ago, we had a one bedroom apartment, a second-hand car, we shared a sofa bed and watched a portable black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot twenty-five-year old buxom blonde. 

    Now, twenty-five years on, having worked my way up through the ranks, we have a detached bungalow, two top of the range Mercedes cars in the driveway, we share a super king-size bed and have a forty-eight-inch plasma screen TV, but now I’m sleeping with a fifty-year-old woman.

    It seems to me like you are not holding up your side of things!’

    His wife is a very reasonable woman, so she said, ‘Tell you what, darling - if it makes you feel better, you go out and find yourself a hot twenty-five year old buxom blonde to sleep with and I will make sure you go back to living in a one bedroom apartment, driving a second-hand car and sleeping every night on a sofa bed!’

    Don’t you think older women are brilliant?

    They really do know how to solve a midlife crisis!

Better than BUPA 

My long time friend and colleague, Jimmy Clark, recently underwent some major surgery in hospital.

    After being taken to the recovery ward and lying there in his hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, he mumbled, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’

    The nurse thought it was a strange question to be asked, but replied, ‘I’ll just check for you Mr Clark.’

    The nurse then went to the bottom of his bed and, lifting up his hospital blanket and gown, she gently took hold of his penis in one hand, and his testicles in the other, and had a close look at them.

    An observation we refer to as a ‘right good gander’!

    She then replaced them back in their original position and covered him up with the blanket.

    ‘No Mr Clark! There is absolutely nothing wrong with them, they look perfectly fine!’

    Jimmy then pulled off his oxygen mask to one side, smiled at her and said in a slow but clear voice, ‘Thank you for that unexpected thrill, it was just wonderful, but I would ask you to listen again, very closely and carefully, while I repeat my question:………

    Are – my – test – results – back?’

    Now! You have to admit; there are times when the treatment you receive from the National Health Service is very hard to beat!

    However, I suppose BUPA would argue that this was ‘private’ treatment of a different nature.

NOW YOU'VE HAD A TASTER, WHY NOT BUY THE BOOK AND ENJOY A RIGHT GOOD LAUGH!