During my probationer period in the Police, I worked in the Oatlands area of Glasgow, which bordered on the infamous and notorious ‘Gorbals’!

Whilst there, I worked with an old cop called ‘Geordie Gunn’, better known as Geordie Bang! Bang! He was, to put it mildly, ‘completely aff his heid’! ‘Puggled’! A ‘total fruitcake’!

Now this was not only my opinion, this was the opinion of every officer on the shift, but, being fairly easy going and able to get on with most people, I decided to make my own mind up about him.

We had a few ups and downs during our working relationship, but nothing unduly worrying, that is, until our nightshift roster came around.

Now during the nightshift, part of your duties consisted of checking the security of shops and factories in your area.

As a pairing, one would check the front of the property and the other would check the rear. What you are looking for is ‘break ins’ or attempted 'break ins' to the property.

However, if there were a line of shop properties, then you would check the front and rear yourself and do the properties alternatively.

One particular nightshift, about 04.00am in the morning, this was the procedure we had adopted, as we went along checking a line of shops.

I had gone to the rear of a property to check it and was coming back through to the front of the building.

As I did, I thought I heard something, so I slowly made my way out to the front of the building and as I looked, there was Geordie, with his back tight against the wall, peering in the next close-mouth entrance.

He then simulated taking a ‘Hand Grenade’ from his breast pocket and pulling out the ‘safety pin’, he then appeared as though he was throwing it into the property entrance.

Using sound effects, he then made the noise of it going off, (BOOM!) and then, giving the impression he had a ‘Sub Machine Gun’in his hands, he jumped in front of the entrance and began making a ‘shooting’ sound, (Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!)

Only he was more realistic, that it sounded like the real thing exploding and then firing.

From then on, I viewed Geordie, under a different light and was always very careful about coming out of any property entrance suddenly, just in case I surprised ‘Geordie Bang! Bang!’ and he mistook me for the enemy!!  (and shot me with friendly fire)!

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While on Police patrol at a busy shopping centre, I was walking about the mall, speaking with some of the ‘shoppers’, when I saw a ‘buxom’ young female coming toward me with one of her bare breasts blatantly exposed and hanging outside her blouse for all to see.

I reacted immediately and took her to one side and asked her to explain this totally unexceptable behaviour.

The young woman, stared at me for a moment, then a look of horror came over her face and as her eyebrows were raised, she blurted out,

"Oh shit, I’ve left the wean in the Tesco canteen"!

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There was a particularly well-known Sheriff in Glasgow, who was renowned for his ‘hard line’ stance, on what may be described as, the ‘Neds’!

On this particular day, he entered his Courtroom, which was crowded with Lawyers and the general public.

As his eyes surveyed his courtroom, his attention was drawn to a scruffy young male at the rear of his Court, who did not stand to attention like everyone else when he entered.

Instead, the insolent young ‘ned’, continued to lounge in his seat, with his hands thrust in his pockets, chewing loudly on a piece of gum!

The irate Sheriff summoned his Court Officer and said,

"Kindly inform that young man at the rear, that I will not tolerate any ‘mastication’ in my Court"!

The bemused and more than confused Officer, walked back up to the rear of the Court, where the youth was seated and said with a firm voice,

"Right you! Ye heard whit the Sheriff said, get yer hauns oot yer poackets, ya dirty wee bugger"!