'YOUR VIEWS ARE WELCOMED' 

To comment, Simply send your e:mail to harry@harrythepolis.com 

HOPE TO RESTART THE BLOG AGAIN VERY SOON, IN THE MEANTIME HAVE A HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND A WONDERFUL, HEALTHY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR 2008,  Harry.

26th October 2007

         Hi everybody, it's good to be back talking to you again. Life has been hectic this while back, however, we're still here and that is all that matters. 

           Just launched the latest Harry the Polis Book number 5, 'Aye, that Will Be Right!' and it should be in all your usual book stores by the end of next week!

         Looking forward to my two sell out gigs in the East Kilbride Arts Centre, where we are recording a live DVD and hoping to have it out and in some of the shops for Christmas. Should be a good laugh and hopefully a welcome present for some unsuspecting 'hubby' or brother out there. 

       I'm presently compiling a book for next year about the funniest texts I receive, so if you know any good ones then why not email them to me. Speak to you all soon, cause I've just poured myself a large whisky and it' is waiting for me ! Bye. or as we say in Glesca, Slainte!!

27th July 2007

          Hello! Hello! Hello! I haven't spoken to you for a few weeks, but I have been very busy.

           What a difference a few weeks can make in our lives! We got a new Scottish Prime Minister in Gordon Brown, Glasgow Airport suffered a terrorist attack, which was dealt with very efficiently and the news that the 'Spice Girls' were reforming. Well, I suppose sometimes your luck runs out and you have to face the music. Sometime! 

          I loved some of the Press Releases, stating they were going to partake in a 'LIVE' tour! That'll be a first. So who is going to do the singing then, or have they already recorded the music for their tour?

         Well right here and now, I would just to intimate that I will have CDs of the band I used to perform with, for sale shortly, so if you like Scottish and Irish Folk music, keep checking the site. One of the CD albums was my first venture into arranging and producing, and with the help of my good friend and excellent musician and performer Ian MacCalman of the folk band, The MacCalman's whom I recorded it with at his Lasswade Studios, I received first class advice, so much so, it was Voted Number 6 in the Folk Charts Top Ten.

          A very contemporary collection of songs and music that I was delighted to have recorded with the band. A description of the music and songs along with the CD cover will be able to view soon on the 'Buy Books' page, along with a sample of the music, so look out for it. 

          I'm pressing ahead, along with my co-writers, Chris and Julia Harber with our second book in, The Adventures of Harry the Policeman' and his next educational assignment, 'OPERATION ANIMAL RESCUE' (Codename 'OAR') where we are now doing the illustrations, but no doubt, within the next few weeks, we will have started his third 'Adventure', or working on the idea that we are mulling over, regarding a 'BOARDGAME', that Chris came up with, to co-inside with the 'OAR' book and hopefully have it in the shops for Christmas!

          If you haven't already been on holiday, then have a good one, and please don't do what my good friend Alistair and Ann Campbell did on a recent holiday in Greece.

          You see, they rented a beautiful house, but the weather was so hot, particularly inside the house that the entire fortnight was totally uncomfortable for them, and dare I say it, a disaster. Especially, when on the day that they were leaving for the Airport, Alistair discovered a switch he hadn't seen before and switched it on...... Only to discover it operated the 'Air Conditioning System' for the house!!          

11th July 2007        

11th July 2007

          I would like to thank all of you who have contacted me with regards to a publication date for my novel, 'Born Tae Be Wide'. As yet, I haven't got a date, but would hope to have it in the shops before Christmas. I am at present talking with interested parties.

           I would also like to say thanks to those who sent me 'Get Well' cards, after my short stint in hospital having a cartilage operation and I can report that I am having to take things easy, and slowly, but I'm getting there.

         Also, my old mate Jimmy Clark continues to make good progress in his recovery from illness and having spoken to him just the other day on the phone, he's sounding great!

          Dates are still coming in for new venues to perform my 'Audio Book' stand-up storytelling and if you would like to come along to one for a good night of laughter and fun, then check up the 'Meet Harry Morris' page for dates and venues in your area.

23rd June 2007

            Went to a car boot sale today in Glasgow and met up with a new friend Joe Kelly a Gulf War Veteran, and a good guy. Joe related this joke to me.

What is the difference between Exotic and Erotic?

Answer : Exotic is a Birds feather, Erotic is the whole chicken!   Yuck!

12th June 2007

           For those of you who have emailed regarding some new excerpts from my books, and in particular, the latest Harry the Polis 5, titled 'Aye, That Will Be Right!' I will be updating them shortly. 

             It was good to talk with my old mate Jimmy Clark tonight and know that he is making  good in roads with his recovery from his illness. I look forward to meeting up with him again next week.

             Today I finished writing the Adventures of Harry the Policeman, a children's book, which I am writing with my friends Chris & Julia Harber in Spain. We hope to have three completed by Christmas and I can't wait to see them in print, for they are very good and educational as well as interesting for the kids! The first in the series is titled, 'The Case of the Missing DNA'S'. Which stands for DIVISIONS, NUMBERS, ADDITIONS & SUBTRACTIONS. Look out for them as Christmas presents. Cheers Harry.  

6th June 2007

          I was driving through the posh Newton Mearns area of Glasgow the other day and saw some activity taking place, in the form of a film crew, so I decided to stop and check out what was happening. As it turned out, they were making a TV commercial for a new washing up liquid and I just happened to get my hands on a script for it and it reads thus;

           Young girl washing up, takes her hands out of sink full of dish water and as she is drying them off, a young boy approaches and taking her hands into his, he begins to rub them and comments on how smooth they are.

           Now, here is my interpretation of how the Ad should sound like, if being filmed in the infamous Gorbals area of Glasgow.

           YOUNG BOY : 'Hey mammy! How's yer hauns sae saft?'

           YOUNG GIRL : 'Cause ah'm only thirteen, ya fucken eedjit!'

3rd June 2007

             Hello people out there, looking in, I hope you are all well? 

I'm working on some new ideas for a book and also some scripts for a TV play / sitcom, it's just making the breakthrough, but I suppose they'll say to you, that if you write the right stuff, the breakthrough will come. I just love Comedy and situation comedy is great. I like thinking up an idea and then exploring it and trying to turn it into something. Sometimes, it's hit, or a miss, but you never know until you've done it! 

I like doing the After Dinner Talks and I am hoping to do more in the future, like everything, it takes time to develop it and you have to rely on word of mouth, passing on your details and saying how much they enjoyed it and had a laugh. 

However, the name of the game is to try and keep coming up with good ideas that are funny, so, speak to you later, I'm off to try and think of something to write. H.

30th May 2007

          What a great few days I have enjoyed recently. On Thursday 24th May, I was performing my 'Storytelling' at the Carnegie Library in Ayr, as part of the 'Burns an a' That' Festival. Then on Tuesday 29th May, I was through in the East at Haddington Festival telling my stories to another smashing, appreciative audience there. Not only that, but they showed their generosity in donating £30:25 towards my favoured Charity C.O.P.S. So I will be sending a cheque off shortly to them, with your compliments.

            It never ceases to amaze me the amount of wonderful people I meet, as I go around on my storytelling performances, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened just the other day.

‘Hello There’

I was out with the missus today, carrying out the weekly shopping chore, when an elderly man, smart in his appearance, approached me in the Supermarket, all smiling as if he knew who I was and seemed to be really pleased to see me.

    I was quite delighted at the thought of being recognised by him for whatever reason, but slightly embarrassed that I couldn’t remember who he was.

    “How are you doing? I hardly recognised you there”. He remarked.

    “Is that so”? I said.

    “Most definitely, you’ve altered your appearance so much. Your hair looks a different colour, you appear much shorter than you were before and I see you’re not wearing your glasses anymore. What the hell is going on with you Brown”?

    I looked at him standing there, looking back at me intently, genuinely believing that he knew me, and said,

    “I’m sorry to disappoint you sir, but I’m not mister Brown, I’m Harry Morris”!

    To which he looked at me intently for a moment, before responding

    “Bloody amazing… So you’ve even changed your name”!

Excerpt from the forthcoming Harry the Polis, 'Aye, That Will Be Right!'

15th May 2007

        Looking forward to next Thursday (24th May) when I will be performing my 'Stand Up' Storytelling in front of a crowd in the Carnegie Library, as part of the 'Burns 'n aw That' Festival. If you haven't got a ticket and would like to come along, then please contact the Library and get them, Tickets are priced at £3:50 and well worth it. It promises to be a good night of fun and laughter, so why not come along and burst the seams!

         Just last night, I was getting ready to go out and I couldn't help but notice a few more 'laughter lines' about my eyes, and a few more on my forehead, and while I was looking on at them, I remembered a wee story I wrote, so I thought I would share it with you.

         ‘Cosmetics Surgery Without the Op’

        Out one day, along with the missus, we were out shopping at the Parkhead Forge in Glasgow.

       As I was walking around, I saw a banner with pictures of Princess Diana and Sir Cliff Richard, at either side of some writing. Curious to see what it said, I stepped over the ‘roped off’ area for a closer look. 

       While reading it, I realised it was an advertisement for ‘Cosmetic (Facial) Enhancement’, claiming to take away your wrinkles (and laughter lines) without the need to go under the knife and have a proper Cosmetic Surgical Operation performed. 

       I was just getting to final part of reading the information, when a Security Guard, in all innocence approached, looked at me straight in the face and said, 

      “If you want to hold on mate, she should be back in about ten minutes and she’ll see to you then”! 

       I looked up at the Advertising Poster and back at the Security Guard and as it sunk in what he had just said to me I replied rather indignantly, 

       “What are you on about”? “Do I look like I need Cosmetic Surgery”? “Ya cheeky bastard”!  

       The poor Security Guard, trying to be helpful, didn’t know where to look and did the next best thing and walked off shaking his head!  

       As for my missus, she looked like the ‘Joker’ from ‘Batman’ and it would have taken more than Cosmetic Surgery to wipe the permanent smile off her face! 

Excerpt from, Harry the Polis, 'Nuthin' Like The Truth'.      

5th May 2007  

           Went up to the Hospital and visited my old mate Jimmy Clark and I was pleasantly surprised with how well he was looking and glad to report he is making steady progress back to full health.

        Doing a bit of research at the moment into writing a children's book, which I am thinking about making my next project. What do you think, 'Harry the Policeman', I just might be able to get something out in time for Christmas.

        Scientists have now discovered the name of the disease that paralyses women from the waist down.............It's called marriage!

3rd May 2007

       Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria of a Morrison superstore along with my mother and sitting at the table on the opposite side of the aisle were two plain clothes / CID police officers. How did I know? Because they were blatantly displaying their police warrant card IDs around their necks on a chain ....... STUPIDLY! Whilst munching away on their meals, one of them was interrupted when his mobile phone rang and he had to stop eating to answer.

       "Hello!.......Yes!..........I'm sorry I can't, .... I'm in the middle of interviewing a witness and obtaining a statement from them............I can't give you a time, I don't know how long I'm going to be.............Okay, bye".

       Now unless they considered the meat pie and chips they were eating as a witness and by digesting it's contents, he considered it to be the same as taking a statement from a witness, I would suggest, they were telling 'porky pies'! And the stupid thing was, they were advertising who they were while blatantly doing so. Tut! Tut!

       Which reminded me of the time in court when a civvy witness, who knew the accused in the dock and as a result, was being deliberately evasive in his answers to the Advocate Depute questions. Finally, the AD had enough of his deliberate attempts to avoid giving the true answer and said to the witness,

       "Let me remind you that you took an oath to tell the truth today in court"!

       "Ah know that". Replied the witness.

       "And do you know what you can get for perjury"? Asked the Advocate Depute

       "Aye! Twenty five grand a year, if ye're a polis"! He replied, prompting 'hoots' of laughter from the public gallery.

26th April 2007

          I stand corrected and whipped with a wet shoe lace. I made a remark recently about the singer/musician James Taylor's appearance at the Royal Concert Hall and the fact that it was £40 per ticket and I contacted Jim Symon of Clyde 2 and was saying to him about it, here is a guy who is as bald as a coot, unlikely looking sex symbol, whom I haven't heard of for about 30 years and he charges as much as £40 quid for a ticket, I think I'll just play his old cassette that I have if I want to remind myself of how he sounded like.

       Jim came right back at me, and informed that he has seen him perform 10 or 12 times in the past few years and he was sounding better than ever and only recently, in 2006, won a special Charity Award in America.

       Just goes to prove how wrong you can be at times. Just because I hadn't heard much about him. I assumed he was lost to music, how wrong was I, but I was corrected by my good friend and expert in music, Jim Symon!

       Also, I'm delighted to report my old mate Jimmy Clark is sounding great and making good progress from his recent illness. Long may it continue!

       This is a wee joke that my daughter Kimmy told me the other day,

       'What do you get when you cross a devil worshipper with a Jehovah's witness'?

       'Somebody who goes around from door to door telling people to go to hell!'

24th April 2007  

          Presently updating!

5th April 2007

           Hi guys, been away, very busy, but I'm back and have lots to tell, will start catching up with you tomorrow Thurs 19/04. Watch this space and thanks to all those who sent stories and emails,  they were appreciated. 

4th April 2007 

            My back and knee are still giving me 'jip', but show me someone who doesn't have a problem. It's all part of everyday life, you take the aches and pains with the good times and you just pray that you have more good days than bad days!

         However, a friend sent me this text today that cheered me up and brought a smile back to my face.

         'What do you get when you breed a devil worshipper with a jehovah's witness'?

         'Someone who goes around from door to door telling everyone to go to Hell'!

3rd April 2007  

        Can't be bothered today. Not feeling too great, my old 'Jean Brodie' is sore, talk to you later!

2nd April 2007

        Still putting the finishing touches to my wee novel, 'Born Tae Be Wide' and I'm getting quite excited about it and what Patricia, the editor at Black & White Publishing will think of it. Hopefully, she is going to like it....... I do! But then again, I'm biased.

          I was doing a signing session on Saturday at Border Books, Buchanan Street, Glasgow and it went well, but I would just like to say a big thank you to the events organiser William, for making it such a good day and I definitely look forward to returning!

          Thanks to Jim Symon and Dean Park of the brilliant Radio Clyde 2 for giving it a mention on air.

          Oh, and a big Happy Birthday to my young sister Kim, love ya!

1st April 2007

             How's it gaun? All you regular visitors to Harry the Polis Website and the Daily Blog page! Oops! Hold on and don't go away. Back in a minute, I think I've burnt a pot on the cooker, either that, or the house is on fire! 

          I'm back! I was going to have Haddock Mornay, but  SMOKED Haddock can be just as good, I'm told.

          Right, Tam and Senga, a young couple were walking in the shopping centre with their baby, when they decided to go into Mothercare for a look at some things. When they came back out they started to walk away,  when Senga said, "Tam, that's not our baby".

         Tam said, "Shut up and keep walking, it's a better pram"!

31st March 2007

         Last day of March! Hard to believe how quickly the month has went. Is it just me, or is the days, weeks and months flying in, or is it just because I'm getting older? Either way, the months seem shorter. A blame the government for it, they were the ones who introduced a shorter working week and now look what's happened, the months have followed suit!

           It's like the people who complain about a Monday and say they hate Monday's, because it's the beginning of their working week, or school. Now we hear that this Labour Government are promising in their election manifesto, to do away with a Monday, and are prepared to just cancel it out of the calendar altogether and if it proves a success with the voters, within a year or two, they're promising to do the same about a Tuesday, and then it would be Wednesday. Before you know it, at the end of their tenure, there would be no bloody working days left at all to complain about. Every day would be the week-end. Then some bright spark in the back benches would come up with the idea of doing away with birthdays, so that we don't get any older and you remain at the age you were on your last birthday. Now that's alright for the likes of me in my early thirties, but there's an awful lot of older people out there, what about them? 

           It just goes to show that the government in power can do whatever they want and change elements of our life with the stroke of a pen, just to secure our votes.

           And another issue that I just read was the fact that they feel they are on the way to a healthier UK by banning smoking in all pubs, was the latest bill, that they also plan to follow that up with banning drinking alcohol in the pubs,  making them non alcohol and non smoking venues! I suppose the conversation would be much more intellectual at least and not the usual load of pish that we spout out when we are drunk. Yes I do it to!

           And before you start phoning up your local MPs and complaining, I'll let you into a secret, it's just a premature April Fool!

30th March 2007

              Contacted my ol' mate Jimmy Clark's daughter Tricia today and I was delighted to hear that he is feeling much better and has temporarily been transferred back to Ward 4 in the Crosshouse Hospital, Ayrshire. 

            Which reminds me of a story about two mates out for a drink and after several pints they both rush off to the toilet. as they stand there, Tam noticed that his mate Charlie is very well endowed and asked him what was the secret of having a big 'boaby'?

            Charlie owns up to him and told him that he didn't always have a 'boaby' that size, but he had visited a surgeon who said, for £10,000, he could perform a small operation and make him more of a man. 

             Tam is so impressed he asked Charlie for the name of the surgeon and contacts him to arrange a consultation.

             A few months later, they both meet up again in the pub toilet and Charlie asked if Tam had contacted the surgeon? 

             "Take a look for yourself". Tam said. "What do you think of that beast, and it only cost half the money that you paid for yours"?

              Charlie had a good look, then said, "You've been done Tam. No wonder it was half price. He's only gone and given you my old one"!            

29th March 2007

         Good evening all followers of the Daily blog, 'Nice to click on, to click on, Nice'! Went into a church today, first time in ages, but I had a few personal favours to ask of the 'Big Man', regarding some close friends who haven't been keeping too well recently. It's amazing how we can always find the time to go into the church when we need to ask for that something special to come along and intervene with a solution, when everything else doesn't appear to be working the way we would like! I just hope he was listening to me and can help!

            It's funny how something as sacred as a church, can trigger off a wee funny story that you heard 'yunks' ago. This one is about an old drunken man who wandered into a church and went into a confessional box. He sat there for a few moments in silence, so the priest coughed to get his attention, but the old drunken man ignored him and continued to sit there in silence. A few moments later, the priest coughed again, only this time, it was a bit louder. However the the old drunk continued to ignore him.

             Losing his patience, the priest knocked on the partition of the confessional box, in an attempt to get the drunken man's attention.

             At this annoyance, the drunken man blurted out,

             "It's no use knocking my door mate, there's nae toilet paper in here either"!  

28th March 2007

         I just bought a new computer there from DELL with all my own specifications, but did you know that you can't buy a DELL computer from a shop like PC World or such like, you have to book it online. So you go onto your internet, bring up the DELL site and just order it. SIMPLE!! Now does that not sound like a wee bit of Irish to you? I mean, how can you order a computer from DELL online, when you don't have a computer to order it online with in the first place and the reason you are trying to contact them , is to bloody order a computer. It's a catch 22 as far as I'm concerned. What do you think? 

          Just watched the game between Scotland and Italy. What about in the return game, to give us a chance of an equal playing field, we challenge eleven of their supporters against eleven of our 'Tartan Army', to a beer drinking, pizza eating competition on the Friday night before the original game, and if by the slightest chance, the Italians manage to get a draw, we head straight for the nearest Indian Curry Shop and settle the score while firing a Lamb Vindaloo with nan bread down your gub, all washed down with the obligatory six pints of Tennents lager? Now that's what I call a fare and proper competition and to tell you the truth, we'd definitely be the bookies favourites, because there is no doubt, 'We Are The Champions'! So let's see wee Rino tackle that lot. Bye the way that Matterazzi is just a 'head case', just ask that 'nutter' Zidane!

27th March 2007

         Confirmed my booking to appear at Haddington library on the Tuesday 29th May '07 and I am really looking forward to it because apparently there are a lot of residents there who came originally from Maryhill in Glasgow and they were the result of the overspill! Not a lot of people know that! That was my impersonation of Michael Caine. Quite like him eh? Certainly if you close your eyes. Anyways, that was a wee bit of a history lesson there for you. I'm busy trying to tidy out my office and I hate doing it, for I feel I should be doing something worthwhile, but it had to be done. Threw out some old pictures of myself, 'cause I don't look like them anymore, which brings me to a wee story.

           I went to my barber, a female, who has been cutting my hair now for many years and I was sitting thinking about it, she charges me more to cut my hair now, than she did at the start. Now, I agree they have to raise their prices to meet inflation, but I have a lot less hair now than I used to have when I was younger, so surely, she should charge less. Plus the fact, I'm less wear and tear on her seats, because it takes her two minutes to cut it. Sometimes, my arse doesn't even make contact with the plastic covering of the seat and she's finished. I mean, whit is that all about. She could 'hang it out' a wee bit, maybe take a couple o' hairs at a time and slow down, and make me think I'm getting my money's worth.

           Here's a wee story about going to another barber.

‘The Glesca Barber’ 

The other day, while over on the other side of the city, I decided to go for a haircut and parked my car in front of a row of shops and got out to enter a ‘Unisex’ Barber Shop.  

      As I entered, a blonde haired woman approached me and said,

    “Sorry darling, but can you come back later, I’m just heading off to the Dentist. I’m in pure agony wi’ the toothache”? 

    “Yeah, no problem”. I replied and walked back outside. As I did, I noticed another Hairdresser Shop, slightly further along the road from me.

    I approached this one and as I got to the door, a young girl put a sign up in the window, ‘Closed for Lunch’! Then mouthed the word, 'Sorry'! 

    I was about to get back into my car, when a passer-bye said, 

    “If yer lookin’ for a haircut mate, yer better goin’ tae the new lassie doon at this next block o’ shops. She’s better and cheaper than that robbin’ cow in there”! 

    “Oh right, thanks pal”. I said, delighted with his intervention. 

    Just as I opened the door of my car, he stopped an old woman out walking her wee dog and said to her, 

    “I wis just tellin’ that guy o'er there, not to go into that cow’s shop for a haircut, he’d be better off goin’ doon the road tae that other lassie, she’s much cheaper”! 

    “Oh aye son". The woman called over to me. ‘Unisex’ my arse, it’s just a ‘Sex’ shop. She’ll charge ye a fortune as well! They're definitely dodgy in there and her hauns are no' cleaning his spectacles under that apron, 'cause her wrists are moving faster than a 'fiddlers elbow' that's for sure"! 

With these kind words of advice, I decided just to leave my hair as it was!

Excerpt from Harry the Polis, 'Ye're Never Gonnae Believe It!' 

P.S. 'Skinny Liz', don't eat the 'Aromatic Duck' it might be related!

26th March 2007

         Just this minute finished writing the latest in the Harry the Polis series of books, number 5, 'Aye, That Will Be Right!'  Went over with it to my mate John Downie of Downie, Allison, Downie Book Binders. John was the first guy to run off my books and we formed a good friendship through it and since, when I am talking to Writer Clubs or just people that come to my storytelling events, I always tell them, if you have a book and you can't get a publisher, then go to John and get it binded like a proper book and then you have something forever and take it from there, plus you get good free advice from experts!

           Anyway, John will run my book off for me in an A4 size manuscript, which I keep for myself and look over it for mistakes. A4 is best for me, especially when the old eyesight is not as sharp as it was, and also, it is a handy size for taking along to events, in case I need to refer to it, or read a certain story. 

            He had just returned from his Doctors, having attended there for some fancy injections he required, for going on holiday to that well-known family holiday island of....Cuba, with the  sunny, friendly faces, reasonably priced, with wonderful beaches, now that the missiles have gone, (or been fired). However, his blood pressure was a bit high and I don't know if it was the thought of me coming over to his premises that caused this, but I don't think so. So John, take it easy and call me later on in the week when you are feeling much better.

             All this talk about Doctors, reminded me about the Doctor who lost his medical license to practice anymore, because he was caught having sex with his patients.

             Shame really, because he was one of the best Vets we had in this area!

25th March 2007

         Had a busy day, had to run over to Bathgate to my web-master Tom and get a few things done to my site. As usual, I call over when he is really busy, but then, Tom is always up to his neck in something, flying here there and everywhere. He is taking flying lessons at the moment and was flying up in the area of Inverness and Dingwall. Apparently he was flying that low at one point, the local Car Boot Sale organiser thought he wanted a stall! Fortunately, the instructor pulled on his joystick, much to the embarrassment of Tom, as he also had a good grip of it. However, what a surprise the Pizza Hut Drive Thru got, when Tom flew over and shouted his order out the window and said he'd be back later. 

          Question, why is it when a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harrassment, but if a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £1.50 a minute?  

24th March 2007

         What a good day for the 'Tartan Army' and all of Scotland for that matter, having won another qualifying game on our quest to be part of the big competition. Every game we win and every game we play, takes us nearer. Well done Alex McLeish for achieving something that few managers have done before....Winning your first game in charge of your country. And I also noted that the mighty England continued on their stumbling way, but as Steve McLaren said, 'There's still another seven games to go and who would bet against them qualifying as well?

           Italy is next on the road and it wouldn't be the first time we have beaten 'world champions', soon after they have just been crowned. England and France will confirm that statistic! 'We're on the march wi' Alex's army'........ Andy Cameron must be due to release a new version... What about a duet with Sidney Devine and we could throw in Dean Park on backing vocals? .........THAT'S FRIGHTENING!

23rd March 2007  

              Saw a great job application today and the job description was, 'Mature man wanted, must have soft gentle hands, able to give gentle massages, have good patience and willing to supply lots of T.L.C.' It then went on to show you a photo of this beautiful young woman lying on a sunbed by a private swimming pool. I immediately called the telephone number and was asked if I could come along right away, to the Holiday Inn Hotel for a one on one meeting. I didn't need to be asked twice and jumped into the car and drove straight there.

           I was pleasantly surprised to see that there were no other applicants outside waiting, however, I was met by this young lady who asked me a few questions, then asked, was I prepared to fly? .... "Fly! You bet I am". I responded forthwith. At that she handed me an airline ticket and said to me, "If you hurry, you'll be able to catch the next flight down to Manchester".

         "Manchester"? I said. "So I take it I have the job"?

         To which she looked at me strangely and said.

         "No! Not at all. It's just that Manchester is where the end of the queue is"!

22nd March 2007

          Had a good afternoon today along at the Police Museum, St Andrews Street, Glasgow, with my old mate and former colleague, big Alistair Dinsmor, who runs the proceedings there and what a great job he does along with his fellow volunteers. They are in the process of getting the memorabilia and the place all spruced up for the arrival of the many visitors they will receive through the doors, with almost 10,000 last year, you can 'bet yer polis boots', they are going to be busy.

            Alistair also extended an invitation to you all out there to come along and visit, you won't be disappointed, that's for sure.

            He related the kind of funny humour that I like, when he was invited along to some big official ladies 'Doo' and ended up sitting next to an ex-Army Colonel, to the side of a long top table. During the proceedings they were treated to a meal, after which, one of the ladies at the opposite end of the table, called out, 

            "Would you boys like some chocolate gateaux up your end"?

            To which Alistair politely replied,

            "Yes please! But if it's alright with you, I'll have mine on a plate"!

            To my old 'mucker' Jimmy Clark, Keep your chin up, your thoughts positive and most of all, Get Well Soon! Your mate Harry.

21st March 2007  

                It's good to be back in the real world again. Yesterday I felt like a 'space-cadet', just not myself recently, but glad to say I'm feeling better today. I think we all get these days when we feel totally knackered and we try to carry on as normal, then some bugger that you thought was a friend says, 

             'Crikey Harry. You look terrible'!

             Now that's alright if you were terrible to start with, but when you're feeling totally goosed, it's the last thing you want to hear from a so-called friend, because, you know that the bastert isn't lying, and when they see the colour physically drain from your face, they then feel compelled to come back at you and say, 

             'I'm only kidding you on. You're looking great'! 

              That is the point of no return, when you just want to kick them in the balls for being nice. 

              However, I can honestly say, I'm feeling better. Although, the funny thing is, I didn't really know I wasn't that well looking in the first place, and if truth be known, this is a new look I'm taking on as I get older......What a load of mince I spout out at times, but I'm sure there must be someone out there who is sitting there reading this, analyzing it and saying to them-self, 

             'I know how you feel mate'!  To that person, I would just like to say, 'You need professional help immediately'!

              I was once sent to see a psychiatrist about my memory. Always forgetting things, and when I told him why I was there......The bastert made me pay his fee in advance. Now by doing that, he didn't install any confidence in me that I would be cured. 

              I have put up with stupid questions from stupid people for years. My Inspector, who was nick-named, the Olympic Flame, because he never went out, once asked me, after I had chased a suspect for about half a mile on foot, over barbed wire fences, walls and fields, then rolled about the ground with him as I struggled in order to apprehend him. 'Why I had ripped my uniform trousers'?

              I just gave him a look of contempt and said, 'Cause I didn't have enough time to take them off'!  And he looked at me for a few moments, then said, 'Oh right'! Before walking off to his office to hide!

              I came in from work tonight and the missus said, 'I just saw Mary from next door and she was wearing the same coat as me'!

              I said, 'So what are you trying to tell me, that you want a new coat'?

              She says, 'Well it's a helluva lot cheaper than having to move house'!

              See you tomorrow, I'm away to take my medicine!              

20th March 2007

           Here is a wee quickie for you,

             Sexthis, sexis, sexa, sexgood,  sexway, sexto, sexkeep, sexa, sexthick, sexbam, sexpot, sexlike, sexyou, sexbusy, sexfor, sextwenty, sexseconds, sexat, sexleast!

             Now read it all again, this time without the word sex included, Dopey!

19th March 2007

          We had a great night at the Concert Hall with Jack Savoretti, who was amazing and after that we were invited for a meal with our friends Alistair and Ann Campbell, to celebrate Ann's 54th birthday. SLAP! OUCH! That was sore, It was just a wee mistake, sorry Ann, your 45th birthday. I can't believe she's two years older than me!

    KIRSTY,  JACK (SAVORETTI) and KIMMY                            JACK'S NEW ALBUM

            Anyway, while standing at the Concert last night listening to Jack, It reminded me of a wee story my friend Elizabeth Moore told me, about a U2 concert she went to see in Glasgow. During the concert, Bono, the lead singer and famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous, asked the audience to be absolutely quiet. Then during this period of silence, he began to snap his fingers, every few seconds.

            He continued to do this snapping of the fingers for several moments, while his captive audience remained standing motionless in total silence, then he announced over his microphone,

           'Every time I snap my fingers together, a child in Africa dies'!

           When suddenly, a broad Glaswegian voice from near the front of the audience broke the silence and bellowed out.....

            'Well fucken stop dayin it then, ya fud'!

18th March 2007

              It's Wee mammy day again, or to give it the proper title, 'Mothering Sunday'. The day when we spoil our mammy for bringing us into this world and let's be honest, they deserve it for putting up with some crap from us over the years while growing up. We've all been there and as teenagers, we knew better than them and the following is just one example of same.

‘Sorry Mam’

It seems to be, we all reach a certain age as a teenager and not only do we know everything, but we become really cheeky and rude to our parents.

          I suggest this and submit a sample of my own smart talk, directed at my mother when I was about 13 years old. I entered the house this day, expecting it to be, as usual, occupied with my two sisters only. 

         Followed into the house by two of my school friends, I thought I would show off and said in a loud voice of authority and pure cheek, 

         “Where’s the ‘auld bag’, I want something to eat right now”? 

         Unbeknown to me, my mother had come home early from work that day and walked out of a room from behind me, coming between me and my two pals and said,   

        “The auld bag is right behind you.  So here, eat this”! 

        She then promptly took off her shoe and ‘scudded’ me over the head with it!

        Much to the pain and total embarrassment to me, in front of my pals.

Excerpt from Harry the Polis, 'Ye're Never Gonnae Believe It'.

        Off tomorrow as guests of our good friend Ann Barrett to see the brilliant young singer / songwriter Jack Savoretti at the Royal Concert Hall! What a future this guy has, and also a smashing bloke. Couldn't wait to meet up with them! So I managed to get his new CD from ASDA the other day, so if you are looking for a really good, laid back, easy listening type of music, with great songs, catchy tunes and meaningful lyrics, then I can recommend none better than Jack's new CD release, which is racing up the charts. What's it called...... 'BETWEEN THE MINDS'. Out on De Angelis Records.

         Listen out for 'Dreamers', 'Black Rain', 'Chemical Courage', 'Killing Man', just four of my favourites in Jack's repertoire of songs.

         Will let you know tomorrow how the concert went and no doubt, I'll have a few photos of Jack for the ladies.

17th March 2007  

              As you can imagine, after my exploits of the day before, I tried to enjoy a quiet day about the house, I'm feeling very sheepish and embarrassed, because as a rule, I'm never sick, I'm blaming that Jim Symon for buying me whiskies and most importantly, myself for thinking I could drink them on top of all that wine!

            Fortunately, tomorrow is another day......in fact it's 'Mothers Day'! 

            So whatever you do, don't forget your wee mammy, I won't! 

            Look-out my wee mammy Flora I'm on my way over to you in the morning, so get the kettle on the cakes and biscuits out and the sandwiches made up and I'll make the tea!

16th March 2007

          Had one of those days that you dread every now and again. Went out for lunch and met up with our good friend Elizabeth Moore and there began the start as bottle of wine, followed bottle of wine  and before you know it, we are well inebriated and having a right good time. Then surprise, surprise, I meet up with a guy I have been communicating with recently by E:mail and who has been giving me more than a few mentions on the air, the one and only Jim Symon of Clyde 2 radio. What a lovely guy he is to talk too and meet, unfortunately, when I met him, I was already the worse for wear, (DRUNK) and talking pure mince! Everything at the time seems to sound like sense to you, but on rewind, it was not so. I hope to meet up with Jim again for a proper drink (of tea) and a good blether. Big thank you to Michael Modlin of 'Michaels' and his staff for the assistance, in helping me out of the place safely. A big Special thank you to my very good pals Tom and Laura for taking me in and showing some wonderful hospitality and patience. And, as always, my long suffering missus Marion, who is so protective and loving!

            And 'Good-Bye to the Taxi driver who drove off without me, with your grand-daughter and her boyfriend, I now believe you.

            Apparently whilst sitting outside in the car-park, awaiting the arrival of my taxi, a car stopped right in front of me and I immediately got up, opened the door and got into the back of it. As I did, I noticed there was empty coke cans, sweetie wrappers and papers, all strewn about the back seat. I looked at the elderly driver who had turned around to look at me and said.

            "Crikey mate, it's about time you cleaned out your taxi, it's absolutely filthy"!

            The driver replied, "This isn't a taxi pal, I'm just here to collect my grand-daughter and her boyfriend"!

            OOoopps! Marion! Where are you?

15th March 2007

                It was not the usual Thursday message night. The missus decided we should drive along the motorway and try out the latest big new superstore that has just opened. So, a night out, is a night out, no matter what you do, so off we went.

             It was amazing in size and had all the latest gadgetry, such as an automatic water de-mister, to keep the produce fresh and just before it activates, you hear the sound of thunder in the distance and the fresh smell of rain, it was brilliant, but that wasn't all. As I approached the milk section within a metre away, you heard cows mooing and you could smell the scent of fresh hay.

              I was loving it and the next place I went over to was the large display of freshly collected, free range eggs, as I approached, I was greeted by the sound of hens clucking and cackling away and the area was filled with a pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying in a pan. Even the vegetable department featured the smell of fresh buttered corn on the cob.

              But a word of advice, 'Don't even attempt to buy a toilet roll'!!!

14th March 2007        

           My trusted friend and webmaster Tom sent me these and I thought you would like them. Unfortunately, I have had to edit the ones that were not PC.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!  Why is divorce so expensive?  Because it's worth it.   What do Solicitors use for birth control?   Their  personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?  10 years and 45 lbs  What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?  45 minutes   What's the fastest way to a man's heart?   Through his chest with a sharp knife.  Why do men want to marry virgins?   They can't stand criticism.   Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and  good-looking?   Because those men already have boyfriends.   What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you   What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.    Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?   Mace will do that to you.   Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.   Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?  Breasts don't have eyes.  How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the FXXX  word?   Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

THANK YOU TO ALL THE GIRLS WHO ATTENDED MY WEE GIG AT THE CENTRAL LIBRARY, GREENOCK, AND THE LOVELY ELAINE FROM THE GREENOCK TELEGRAPH . HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED IT AND HOPE TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN SOON, HARRY.

13th March 2007

         Looking forward to appearing at the Inverclyde Central Library, in Greenock tomorrow and meeting up with Janette McCarroll and the gang down there. I hope if you are reading this and live in the area, you will make the effort to come along for a laugh!  I'm also hoping that my wee darling of a fan Betty Docherty comes along, haven't seen her since the 12th December 2006, when I was down at WHSmith in Greenock doing a signing session.

          I was reading an article about a domestic disturbance case in court, whereby the wife smashed a Pyrex dish over her husbands head, and it went something like this.  

         "What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning"? The Solicitor asked.

         "He said, Where am I Cathy"? The wife replied.

         "And why did that upset you"? The Solicitor asked.

         "Because, my name is Susan"! She replied.

         Further on in the story, we learned that he had gone to bed at 8pm the night before, but arrived back home by 10pm!

12th March 2007

         I was standing in my local pub tonight enjoying a beer, when my mate Donnie, came rushing in, right up to me and said, 

          "Get me a large whisky up Harry, I've just had an almighty argument with her indoors"! He said.

          "Did you. And who won"? I asked him.

           "Well put it this way Harry, when it was all over, she came crawling over to me on her hands and knees". He replied.

           "Really"? I said. "So what did she say"?

           "She said, come out from under that bed, you snivelling big bastard"!

           I would just like to take this opportunity to wish my old mate and good friend Jimmy Clark, a special good luck tomorrow, for his treatment and I will be thinking about him ..... POSITIVE THOUGHTS JIM!

11th March 2007 

             Good news for all those who have been trying to get the new Jack Savoretti CD, if you go to itunes.com then you can download it. He is an amazing singer / songwriter and I'm also delighted to be going along as a guest of his to the Royal Concert Hall, on the 25th, when he will be supporting Corrine Bailey Rae. So if you get the chance to get a ticket don't hesitate, he is absolutely brilliant 'live', failing that, you can download his brilliant album. Definitely worth listening too. I know my daughter Kimmy and her friend Kirsty are big fans, having seen his concert and met him personally.

            Went out for a meal today and I ordered up the sirloin steak with vegetables.

            A short time later, the waiter arrived with my meal and as he put the dish of vegetables down, I noticed while placing the plate with my sirloin down, he had his thumb pressing down on my steak.

            I immediately lost the place and said, "You just had your thumb pressing down on my steak, are you crazy". 

            The waiter replied, "So what! Do you want it to fall on the floor again"?

            Then the couple sitting at the table next to me are eating away and staring into each others eyes, when he suddenly began to slide off his chair. As for the woman, she sat impassively, casually eating away, as her man slid further down the chair and under the table.

            "Excuse me mam". I said. "Your husband has just slipped under your table onto the floor"!

            "Without even looking in my direction she said, No he didn't. He's just walked in the door"!

             I would like to take this opportunity to thank YOU, my 200th visitor. Not bad in such a very short time. Bye the way, if it was you then send me a e;mail letting me know who you were, Harry.

10th March 2007

         Bumped into Harold again today in the market and he ordered up another two books, although Harold, it's not very clear what two he wants, so if you can mail me, please do, failing that, I will bring down all four with me tomorrow and we can sort it out from their. However, keep up the sales Harold, you're doing well and thanks again.

           On a lighter note, I left the pub last night after having sampled several large whiskies with beer chasers, and jumped on a bus for home. I walked, (well I really  staggered) up the aisle and sat next to this wee Salvation Army Lady, holding a bundle of 'War Cry' newspapers.

           As I breathed all over her, I asked, "So what's the news tonight sister"?  

           She gave me a look of utter disgust and said, "The news is, you're going straight to hell"!

           I immediately jumped out of my seat and shouted at the driver,

           "Stop and let me aff mate, I'm on the wrang bloody bus"! 

           'Hic'!

9th March 2007

        Since starting my Daily Blog, I have received the odd e.mail from readers seeking my expert advice and I would list this latest letter for help that has been sent to me from Dermott Mullen which states,

          Dear Harry, I would be grateful if you would kindly supply me with your worldly expert advice on the following problem. (So far, so good!) I am 25 years of age and have two brothers. One works for John Brown & Company and is an ardent Rangers Supporter. The other is an inmate within Barlinnie Prison, serving time for Rape, and Wilful Fire-raising.

          My father is a fine old gentleman, living off the earnings of my two sisters, who are prostitutes and working on the streets of Glasgow, where they are holding down good positions in the West End.

          My mother is 7 months pregnant to our next door neighbour and because of this situation, my father is now reluctant to marry her.

          Recently, I met a sweet, lovely and charming girl, who is an ex-prostitute, having only taken it up in the first place to support her drug habit. She is wonderful and makes me feel really good and her three children, of whom two of them are black, call me dad.

         My problem is Harry, should I tell her about my brother who is a Rangers Supporter.

         Yours faithfully,

          Desperate Dermott. 

REPLY

          Dear Dermott, please write to Joan Burnie at the Daily Record, or Lorraine Kelly at the Sunday Post! Yours Aye, Harry.

          PS, Please do not hesitate to contact me again, I'm here to help! 

8th March 2007  

        Called my old buddy Jimmy Clark yesterday. He hasn't been keeping too well recently, but it was good to hear him sounding  much better and confident about his next course of treatment, after suffering a slight set back. However, knowing Jimmy, I am optimistic that it won't be long before he is on the road to full recovery. Anyways, I've booked him and Tricia tickets for my performance at the 'Burns 'n aw that' Storytelling Festival, in the Carnegie Library, Ayr, on the 24th of May, so he has plenty of time to get better and I would just like to say, I'm looking forward to his company and I will order in advance, two Grouse barman!

          Looking forward to receiving many more e:mails from my old colleagues and former friends, I really enjoy the banter and the stories . I also enjoy the mails from those of you who are first timers, on to give a comment about the daily blog, or just to tell me a story, keep it up, I look forward to hearing from you all.

          I'm also interested to hear from more colleagues out there whom I have never spoken with in a long time, having lost touch over the years, so come on, get in touch and let's hear how and what you are up to.

           Just to finish off, I went to see the latest Missus Brown at the Pavillion Theatre the other night and was constantly interrupted by this woman behind me, who kept on 'humming' and 'hawing', that she was becoming a pain in the backside, so I turned around to her and asked her politely,

          "Missus, can you not see"?

          "She replied rather indignantly, "No! I can't".

          So I replied, 

          "Well, just laugh when I do"!        

7th March 2007

        Looking forward to a week today, when I will be appearing at the Central library in Greenock at 2pm and performing my 'Stand-Up Audio Book'. It's pleasing to know they expect a good crowd down there for it and Janette has told me the Library will be closed that afternoon, so as to accommodate the people with tickets. So if you haven't already got your ticket, then get along to the library, or phone and book one. The telephone number is in the 'Meet Harry Morris' page of my website. You know you want to, so come along and enjoy the craic!

         Just watched another episode of C.S.I. Crime Investigation and to tell you the truth, it's good television, but it's not always that easy and the police don't have as much time, or the fancy equipment of our American Counterparts, although, I think we should all have been given one of they wee torches. Gee whiz! They put them on in the beautiful  Miami sunshine and they shine brighter than the sun. They walk into a dark building and put them on, hey presto, they light up a place brighter than the Blackpool Illuminations. 

         Anyways, here's a wee story for you,

‘C.S.I. Crime Investigation’ 

I attended the scene of a housebreaking and while looking at the point of entry, it was obvious to me, the ‘housebreakers’ used a ‘True’ or ‘False’ key to get in.

I immediately suspected an inside ‘Insurance’ job by the householder, or, one of the ‘sons’ present, were involved. 

I was about to put my theory into practice with the lady of the house, when I noticed a piece of paper with writing on it, which she had left, pinned on the back door of her house, for her sons, it read, ‘Gone out to the shops, won’t be long, love mum’. 

PS, the keys are in the usual place. (In the yellow ‘peg’ bag’ hanging on the washing line!)

Excerpt from Harry the Polis, 'Even More Lies'.

6th March 2007

         Even though I suffer from a back injury, I still enjoy going to the gym. Oh yes, after all this time, I can still watch it for hours and it never tires me out, but in all honesty I used to be very fit and competitive and it was whilst participating in a game of five -a - side football several years ago that........ well, why don't I just let you read it for yourself.

‘Count Me In, Out!’

Having suffered a serious back injury on duty, it not only took me a long time to recover from it, but it curtailed all my sporting activities. However, like most of my colleagues with injuries, you try to cover up a lot of them and don’t let anybody know that you are actually worse off than you are portraying outwardly!  

    Such was the case in question, when one of the younger cops approached me, in the knowledge that I had played football in the past and asked if I would like to make up the numbers in a friendly game of five-a-side football. 

“Yeah, no problem. I said confidently. Count me in, anytime”! 

Thinking to myself that nearer the time I would cancel my involvement with some elaborate excuse, rather than just admit, ‘I can’t play anymore’! 

“Good, you’ll be in my team. We’re playing tomorrow at two”. 

I ‘gulped’, ‘swallowed’, ‘farted’, then generally ‘shit’ myself and I certainly couldn’t make an excuse up at such short notice, that was good enough to allow me to cancel, without looking bad.  

That evening, I looked out my old sports wear kit and packed my bag for the following day. After the shift, we all made our way to the sporting venue. 

“I’ll play in goals”. I offered, but after several had whizzed past me, it became rather obvious, that I was totally useless in goals.

So it was decided to change my position to play my old role as a defender.

I was the oldest in my team and the second oldest player was some 21 years my junior. I couldn’t believe I had let myself get talked into this situation. However, I bravely ran about like a ‘teenager’, (well! You know what I mean?)

At one point I thought I would be smart, when I noticed we had been playing for about one hour and twenty five minutes. 

“When is half-time guys”? I said rather smugly. 

“We’re just going to play for another five minutes, then call it a day”. Replied Sidney, my team Captain. 

“Thank fuck”! I thought to myself, trying to remain upright. 

The final whistle went and I immediately grabbed my sports bag. 

“Where are you going Harry”? I was asked. “Are you not having a shower”?  

‘Shower’! I thought. ‘It’s connected to a ‘Heart Monitor’ I want, along with a bottle of fucken Oxygen and a big nurse to give me the kiss of life. But I casually answered, “No! I’m just going to have one when I get up the road thanks”. 

“What about a beer? We’re all going for a drink”. He asked. 

“I’ll need to miss out Sidney, I promised the kids I’d take them out on their bikes for a cycle”. What utter ‘bullshit’ I was spouting out now!  

“Oh well, thanks for coming along and I’ll let you know when the next game is”. 

“Yeah! Please do that. I’m up for it anytime”. I replied as I quickly rushed out the door to my car, prior to collapsing. As I got into my car, I sat for a moment, while trying to regulate my heartbeat and my breathing, before I attempted to operate the pedals with my weak legs and blistered feet. 

I slowly made my way up the road at 10/15 mph, eventually arriving at my house, where my back had now seized and I had to fall out my driver seat onto my path and crawl the last 10 metres to my front door. Once inside, I immediately ‘popped’ three of my prescribed ‘DF 118’ pain killing tablets and two ‘Ibrufen 600s’ for starters, as I ran a hot ‘Radox’ bath.